I always put off writing these kinds of blog posts because I feel like no one really cares for them. To be honest, they’re more cathartic for me than interesting to anyone else but if this kind of post can help just one person not feel crappy about their creative outlets then I’ll be happy.
So, creativity. Do you have it? The chances are you do. If you’re a normal person then you might have creative spurts and be super cool with it. You might find it fun and relaxing. If you’re someone who bases their entire life around creative pursuits, though… well, I pity you. I am sorry you’re in this boat with me, rowing as hard as we can but never seemingly getting anywhere – both monumentally happy when new ideas come crashing over the sides like waves of inspiration but then having to try to keep the boat afloat whilst simultaneously trying to keep going in one direction and bail water out because you just can’t take any more new ideas right now, thank you very much.
I’m not in a creative rut. Sometimes I wish I was because I think I’d rather enjoy taking some time off. As it happens my brain doesn’t take time off when it comes to creativity. It keeps working; constantly trying to think of cool things to do, make or write like an overachieving code-breaker from war time.
So, what’s the problem? I have a million ideas. I have a million books both in my brain and actually at first draft stage. I’m in the middle of developing a TV show I intend to sell to the highest bidder, but that’s the issue, right there. Selling. Or, trying to get to the point of selling.
If you’re not a writer you might not know the process but once you’ve written something you need to get someone, generally an agent, to want to read it. With the amount of people out there writing you can imagine it’s a hard game to be in and rejection is difficult. Not exactly hard because rejection is a factor in life. It’s not personal; I never take it personally, but I do take it on the chin like a champ and like most champs, sometimes a knock can cause you to hit the mat. Hard. Bone judderingly hard. So hard that you’re instantly tired and wonder whether you should get back up.
Of course, I know getting back up is imminent, because to not create means to stop moving. Stop dreaming. I’m not built that way; I am a great sleeper and dreamer so much so that I am sure I’m actually living multiple lives in alternate realities my dreams are that vivid. The annoying thing is that when I’m down, on the mat, thinking about but never tapping out, I tend to feel time slip away from me much faster than I’d like.
I’m 33, going on 34 this year, and never before have I felt time go this fast. It’s almost March and I still have this TV show to finish and books to edit so I can try to get an agent to try to get published. All whilst working full time and trying to be a good girlfriend (which I’m failing at right now, by the way) and be a good dog mum.
If someone had told me when I was younger that in order to try to attain my life dream of writing for a living I’d have to work tirelessly forever and potentially never get anywhere… would I still have done it? Probably. And don’t think I’m complaining about it. Not really. It just takes its toll on the old grey matter when you are working towards a goal that has no end date. Has no guarantee and is not even reliant on how much hard work you put in… it’s kind of luck. And timing.
If you’re like me and you are working towards something that seems unobtainable I feel your pain! If you’re wondering how to keep going in spite of reward, I honestly don’t have any great words of wisdom for you, I’m sorry! But you’re not alone. And I’m rooting for you. I’m rooting for everyone who writes or creates anything to do well – find a support group of some kind. A writing group or something; not too big (I hate writing forums) so you can find and give support to like-minded people. It really does help!
I’m kind of sorry this was so long but also not! I needed to write this for my own brain! If you read this and you don’t have a support group or you want to join me in a little group please let me know; I’d start one in a heartbeat!