I can safely say that for 90% of my life so far I have lived anxiety free. I have never been one to sweat the small stuff and yet recently the small stuff, well, it hasn’t seemed so small.
Stress, worry, depression; three things I would pride myself on living without. There’s no shame in suffering, I just tend to lean towards the not.
Anxiety, though, seems to be plaguing me at the moment and I find myself struggling with how to combat it.
I’m a Zen person. I’m chill. I’m just fine. That’s my mantra. Sadly it’s not working at the moment; I feel like I’m chanting but it’s like the mic isn’t on. My mouth is moving but the words just don’t reach my ears or sink into my skin or whatever you’d like to imagine.
I wouldn’t say I have a bad case of it. I don’t feel anxious all the time. When I’m chilling out watching TV shows, reading a book, at work, working out, I feel just fine but every now and then I just get this panicky feeling in my chest. It’s behind my eyes, it’s under my skin. I feel like I’m in a box and I can’t figure out how I got here. I know how to get out; I stop thinking about things I take some deep breaths, but why do I keep getting trapped in that damn box?!
Many people don’t like to talk about what causes them anxiety, or they don’t know why it happens so it’s hard to talk about it. I think mine is caused by a fear of time and the future. I’m at that stage in life where things need to be happening and I need to get on with ‘adult’ things. Thinking about this is when I panic.
I’m on the cusp of big changes. I don’t dislike life changes, in fact I kind of revel in changes. I do well, I’m adaptable, and yet… here I go again, my shoulders ache with the weight I feel I’m carrying.
Hopefully once the changes are underway and I’m living the life I can see coming around the corner I’ll be fine and this is just pre-show jitters but it’s still scary. I finally understand how anxiety can be debilitating and I feel for those who suffer deeply.
I guess this was just a way for me to get this off my chest but there you have it.